Virginity is a construct I learned has a significant value to sex culture that is not taught as an understanding but expectation. People force others to question the value of a person’s worth based on when they encounter sexual activities. From a young age engaging in sex or starting to even think about sex was taboo, not only because I had no sexual urges until I was 17, but because it was rooted in this idea that people should hold off on having sex until the time of marriage. On top of virginity, I also had to understand that virginity from my experience is centered in heterosexuality.

When I started to think about my sexuality and desires, it had already been assumed by the people around me that I was a queer individual. This was due to the harmful use of stereotypes, outings, and ignorance of people in high school. With this in mind, there was a mindset that to be gay or queer, you have to sleep with a person to know your sexuality, and therefore you had lost your virginity. Some even have stated that virginity only applies to vaginal heterosexual intercourse. This is the understanding of heteronormativity that heterosexuality is the default, and any other form of sexuality is a choice to one’s desires. Everyone’s desires are a choice to act on; however, the desire of attraction is not one we choose. The thoughts I had sexually at that age were about sexual intimacy which for me looked like; holding hands, kissing, hugs, quality of time, dates, etc. 

In my life, it was assumed by others that I was not a virgin because I had a non-heterosexual attraction. The message regarding virginity often comes with a sense that a person is purer if still a virgin, but also that queer people can be perceived as not virgins because we are not heterosexual.  These virgin conceptual understandings are harmful constructs and myths that others need to overcome. So many times, there is no room at the table for what queer people go through when engaging in sex for the first time. There is also an equal lack of discussion on how queer people’s sexual experience and sexuality are stigmatized as abnormal, gross, or even inhuman.

Virginity among those in the LGBTQA+ community is common. There is a considerable lack of queer sex education around how people would engage in different forms of sex beyond heteronormative intercourse; overall, there is a lack of educating people on sexual activity in all communities. There are a lot of factors that come into practice when talking about virginity such as consent, communication, desire, curiosity, awkwardness, and lack of experience. LGBTQA+ people go through exploring their sexual experience while also attempting to understand their sexual positions or roles that have been categorized as top, bottom, verse, etc. Which is never a conversation that is brought up in sex education materials or even parenting.

 

Instead of worrying primarily on virginity and restrictive sexual taboo, let’s be open to how people communicate their own sexual practices in intimacy, exploring themselves, and dating culture. Let’s step away from the hierarchy of what type of sexual interaction is authentic and start learning into a culture that communicates curiosity in sexual values without judgment.