What does it mean to be nonbinary and navigate this idea of gender performance and identity? These are my challenges and story on being nonbinary. So often, when I reflect on my gender self concept of who I am and how I connect to the world around me, it becomes clear in different areas how I navigate spaces to express who I am. That navigation is addressing challenges of my own safety and also never wanting to hide my queerness. This challenge is more of an internal struggle with the thoughts “am I nonbinary enough”; “some people will never see me as who I am”, “others will decide when I can fit into being nonbinary”. The most profound experience is when I am placed in my assigned gender category by others (assigned male at birth), where I constantly fight to crawl out of that hegemonic lens. Overall when I am faced with these challenges, I am also faced with self-reflection of both doubt and confidence in who I am. Doubt stems from my understanding that I can never be the image of nonbinary that some people think I should be because I hide who I am based on the setting or the lack of imagination of gender performance. While at the same time, I do have those moments of confidence to become vocal about pushing back on such fears and lack of validation.
I hate the idea that we rely on performance and images of society to prove who we are to others. Yet when I look around at the depictions of nonbinary, I often find myself needing to look in a mirror. The surrounding images don’t provide me with such descriptions of being from a rural place, assigned male at birth, or even queer forms of masculinity or androgynous forms of femininity. All of the images of nonbinary and queerness are beautiful to me, but I think about the social expectations I’d have to reach to look like society’s image of nonbinary, to get close to matching who I am with the exterior flesh I was given. That is where the journey for me truly started. I have learned my performance will always be measured off outsiders view with social heteronormativity and cisnormativity instead of a neutral or fluid blend of performances.
While on this journey of what it means to be non-binary, I draw inspiration from my own power to be who I want to be when I challenge the basic understanding of social norms. Expressing who I am means showing my authenticity in how I live my life unapologetically. Each form of who we are is based on expressing our internal consciousness. If I took everything off and were standing naked, I would still be nonbinary; at that level, people need to challenge their assumption of who I am based on my body, build, genitals, face, color, texture, etc. Having nothing on isn’t an expression; rather, it’s freedom of knowing that being nonbinary is beyond adaptation to life’s assigned identities. I want to feel free no matter the time of day, where I am, or what I am wearing. I love the body I was given, but I do not love society’s lens which they use to exploit it. My gender is not the flesh or what you can see. It’s the internal understanding of my spirit and mind.
When I express who I am and take time to show my emotions, thoughts, and rhetoric both in and beyond the binary, I want people to know it is not an expression of gender. It is an expression of masculinity, femininity, androgyny, and neutrality. I don’t want to be held to the standard that my forms of expression are related to society’s forms of gender. My expressions tell the story of my inner beauty. A dress does not make me beautiful; I am already beautiful. A dress simply amplifies my beauty in a way that shares my ideas, passions, and vulnerability to become beautiful. To think I have to conceal my beauty, power, or authenticity to strict forms of assigned binary schemes means I am not free as when I stand with nothing on.
I challenge all communities to stop comparing themselves to the schemes society says we must follow. Listen to the inner freedom you were born to express. Don’t allow others to mold, confine, or conform you. You are your example of authenticity; wear it with confidence and empowerment. I am nonbinary; I did not change who I am. I simply stopped listening to how people saw me and started showing them I am limitless. Their limitation appears to be a lack of imagination because something as authentic as I am seems to be only a fantasy for them. Nonbinary doesn’t have one look, in fact, it is not a look at all.
***All photos are done by Tyler Ryan Studio** Queer inclusive photographer of East Central Pennsylvania.***